The Coping Strategies We Choose: Moving From Shame to Self-Compassion

Let’s talk coping strategies. Now, I don’t mean this to be a surface-level conversation about coping strategies like journaling, meditation, exercise, deep breathing, or going for a walk. While these strategies can absolutely be helpful, I want to have a deeper conversation about something that is often overlooked: when we choose different types of coping, why we choose them, and how we relate to those choices afterward. Because the reality is that coping is something every single one of us does. Every day. Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly finding ways to manage stress, regulate emotions, process difficult experiences, and get through challenging moments.

The question is not whether we cope. The question is: how are we coping, and how do we feel about the ways we cope?

One common way we talk about coping strategies is by categorizing them as either “healthy” or “unhealthy.” I want to acknowledge that I do not always love putting things into these categories because, like many things in life, coping exists on a spectrum. Context matters. Intention matters. Frequency matters. What is helpful for one person in one moment may not be helpful for another person in a different situation. However, for the purpose of this conversation, I do think these categories can be useful—not as a way to judge ourselves, but as a way to build awareness.

Healthy coping strategies might include things like reading, meditation, exercise, spending time with supportive people, engaging in hobbies, getting outside, practicing mindfulness, setting boundaries, expressing emotions, seeking support, or taking time to rest and recharge. However, even strategies that are generally considered healthy can become less helpful when they are used in ways that are out of balance. Exercise can become unhealthy if it becomes a way to avoid emotions or is taken to an extreme. Productivity can become unhealthy when it prevents us from resting. Helping others can become unhealthy when we consistently neglect ourselves. Even positive coping strategies can become problematic when they are no longer serving us.

On the other side, there are coping strategies that are often considered less healthy, such as excessive alcohol use, substance use, emotional eating, excessive scrolling, withdrawing from others, avoiding responsibilities, or using distractions to escape difficult emotions. Again, the goal of this conversation is not to label ourselves or create shame around the ways we cope. In fact, by the end of this conversation, my hope is actually the opposite: that you can reduce some of the shame you may carry around your coping strategies.

Because let’s be honest—no one, and I mean no one, myself included, chooses the “healthy” coping strategy 100% of the time. Sometimes the less healthy coping strategies are appealing because they work quickly. They provide immediate relief. They give us a break from difficult thoughts, uncomfortable emotions, stress, or exhaustion. When we are overwhelmed, depleted, or running on empty, it makes sense that we may reach for something that feels easy and accessible in that moment. Unfortunately, healthier coping strategies do not always provide the same immediate relief. Going for a walk, meditating, or processing emotions takes effort. It requires energy. And when our emotional resources are already low, those strategies can feel much harder to access.

This is the first place I want you to begin reducing shame. It is impossible to do everything perfectly—coping included. We are human beings, not machines. We will have moments where we choose convenience over intention, comfort over growth, or immediate relief over long-term benefit. That does not mean we have failed. It means we are human.

The problem often comes when we add shame on top of the coping strategy itself. Because when we shame ourselves for how we cope, we usually end up feeling worse. And when we feel worse, we often end up needing more comfort, more distraction, or more relief. This is where the shame cycle begins.

Let me give you an example. Imagine I have had a really difficult and emotionally heavy day at work. I come home feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and needing to decompress. I pour myself a glass of wine. The choice itself may not necessarily be the problem. The problem begins when the thoughts follow: “What is wrong with me?” “I know better than this.” “I should have gone for a run instead.” “I have no self-control.” Now, instead of simply experiencing a moment of rest and relaxation, I have added guilt, criticism, and shame on top of an already difficult day. That shame often does not motivate change. More often, it makes us feel worse—which may lead us to seek more comfort, more distraction, or more of the same coping strategy we were criticizing ourselves for using.

Now let’s play out that same scenario differently. I have a difficult and emotionally heavy day at work. I acknowledge that. I recognize that I am tired, overwhelmed, and needing some comfort. I also recognize that I could choose a different coping strategy, like going for a run, but I am exhausted and I want to spend some quiet time on the couch with my husband and my dog. So, I intentionally choose to have a glass of wine. Then I make a commitment to myself that tomorrow morning I will go for a walk, get some movement, or take some time to reset. The difference is not necessarily the coping strategy itself. The difference is the relationship I have with my choice. One choice comes from shame and criticism. The other comes from awareness and self-compassion.

Sometimes changing our coping does not mean completely eliminating the strategies we consider “unhealthy.” Sometimes it looks like creating more balance. Maybe it is having half the bag of chips instead of the entire bag. Maybe it is scrolling for 20 minutes instead of losing an entire evening. Maybe it is recognizing when you need comfort and choosing it intentionally rather than automatically.

Healthy and unhealthy are not always as simple or as black and white as we make them seem. The goal is not to choose the “perfect” coping strategy every time. The goal is to become more aware of our choices, understand what we are needing in those moments, and build a healthier relationship with ourselves when we do not cope exactly how we hoped we would.

Because ultimately, coping is not about perfection. It is about awareness, flexibility, and compassion. And sometimes the most meaningful change begins when we stop asking ourselves, “Why am I doing this?” and start asking, “What am I needing right now?”