As a practicing psychologist, this comes up a lot, especially with my adult clients. I mean, it comes up a lot with my teenager clients too. They are trying to break free from the hold of their family of origin, figure out who they are, and discover themselves as their own person. But unfortunately for my teenager clients, parents still get to have a bit of a say.
As adults, however, this often originates from something that is actually quite simple, but becomes much more complicated as we get older. Let's go back to when we were children.
We relied on our caregivers (or were programmed to rely on them, whether our parents were actually reliable is a different story) to give us direction in the world. They told us what to eat, when to eat it, what to wear, when we needed to go to bed, how to be punctual, how to be polite, how to speak to adults, how to treat other people, what was appropriate and what wasn't, when we could cross the street, where we could go, who we could spend time with, and what we were and weren't allowed to do. They basically taught us (or were supposed to teach us) how to exist in the world.
And we actually need this guidance. When we're little, we don't have the life experience to make all of these decisions for ourselves. We don't know what is safe. We don't know what is socially appropriate. We don't know what the consequences of our choices might be. We are learning. So we look to the adults around us. Our peers are usually figuring these things out at the same time we are, so our caregivers become the people we look to for answers.
We also need our parents' approval (read: permission) for everything. If we want to go on a playdate, we need our parents to say yes. If we want to go on a field trip, we need our parents to say yes. If we want to go outside and play in the neighbourhood, we need our parents to say yes, and often, we need them to give us the parameters of that yes. You can go outside, but you need to be home by 6. You can have a friend over, but your room needs to be clean first. You can go to the party, but I need to know who will be there. You can choose what you want to wear, but maybe not that.
This is a normal part of learning and growing up. The problem is that just because we magically turn 18 and become an adult does not mean that the wiring, or programming, where we had to rely on our parents' approval and validation for almost everything we did simply turns off.
My adult clients (and, honestly, I have struggled with this myself) will often ask some version of, I am a grown adult. Why do I still care so much about what my parents think? Why do I feel like I need their approval? Why do I still feel guilty when I make a decision they don't agree with?
The long and short of it is that we needed their approval for a very long time. As children, our caregivers had a level of authority over our lives because, developmentally, they needed to. Our safety, access to resources, relationships, and ability to navigate the world were largely dependent on them. Now, we no longer need that same level of permission to survive. In theory, anyway. But our nervous system doesn't necessarily get the memo on our 18th birthday.
And this isn't limited to parents and caregivers. I find that this can also translate to coaches, teachers, grandparents, or other influential adults who were a part of our learning and development. Their opinion mattered when we were too young to formulate our own. And when someone has been telling you what is right, wrong, good, bad, acceptable, unacceptable, safe, unsafe, responsible, irresponsible, successful, or unsuccessful for years, it makes sense that their voice can continue to live in your head long after you have technically become an adult.
Sometimes, we don't even realize that we're still following their rules. We just do. We might choose a career because it is what our family considers successful. We might stay in a relationship because leaving would disappoint our parents. We might feel guilty for spending money on something that we enjoy because we were taught that spending money on ourselves is irresponsible. We might avoid a particular lifestyle because we already know what our family would think.We might even find ourselves asking, "What would my parents think?" before we've had the chance to ask the more important question: "What do I think?"
This is where adulthood gives us something that childhood didn't: choice. Not necessarily the choice to make everyone happy, or the choice to avoid disappointing anyone, but the choice to decide what we actually believe.
If you were to ask yourself, Whose opinion am I living my life by? what adults from your childhood would you name? Or perhaps even more importantly, Whose rules am I living my life according to?
And this isn't about going cold turkey and deciding that we no longer care what anyone thinks. Absolutely not. Other people matter. Our relationships matter. Our friendships matter. Our families matter. Our employers matter. The people we love are allowed to have opinions, and sometimes those opinions are incredibly valuable.
If we need an income (which most of us do), it is probably useful to consider what our employer needs from us. If we care about our friendships, we probably don't want to routinely disregard how our friends feel. If someone we love is concerned about a decision we're making, we may want to hear them out. But there is an important distinction between considering someone's opinion and giving them authority over your life. Those are not the same thing.
I can listen to my friend's concerns without automatically changing my decision. I can hear my parent's disappointment without deciding that I've done something wrong. I can take my partner's feedback seriously without abandoning my own needs. I can consider my employer's expectations without allowing my entire sense of worth to depend on their approval.
Let's say a friend doesn't agree with a lifestyle choice I've made. That's okay. I can be curious about their perspective. I can ask myself whether there is something useful in their feedback. Maybe there is something I hadn't considered. But ultimately, no one—not a single person on this earth—has lived in my body, in my mind, and in my life. No one has had every experience I've had. No one knows every detail of my history, my values, my relationships, my fears, my hopes, my circumstances, or what it feels like to actually live with the consequences of my decisions.
So why would I give someone else the authority to make decisions about my body, my mind, or my life when they can never have the full picture?
This doesn't mean that we always know best. It doesn't mean that our perspective is automatically correct. And it certainly doesn't mean that we should ignore feedback simply because we don't like it. It means that we get to decide.
We can listen. We can consider. We can take in feedback. We can change our minds. And then we can make a decision that belongs to us.
This is one of the more complicated parts of becoming an adult that we don't necessarily talk about. Growing up isn't just about becoming financially independent, moving out of your parents' house, getting a job, paying your own bills, or making your own appointments. It's also about developing an internal sense of authority. It's about being able to say, This is what I was taught. This is what my family believes. This is what my teacher told me. This is what my coach expected of me. This is what I've always believed I was supposed to do. And now, I get to decide whether I still believe it.
Some of the rules will stay. Some will change. Some will turn out to be incredibly helpful. Some will need updating. And some may no longer have any place in the life you're living now.
The goal isn't to get rid of every outside influence. The goal is to become aware of the influences that are shaping us so that we can consciously decide which ones we want to carry forward.
Because there is a difference between living according to your values and living according to someone else's expectations.
And sometimes, becoming more independent as an adult isn't about getting further away from the people who raised us.It's about becoming more fully ourselves while still being able to love them.
We can care what our parents think without needing their permission. We can value our friends' opinions without handing them the authority to make our decisions. We can listen to other people's perspectives without losing our own.
And we can finally start asking ourselves the question that perhaps we didn't have the opportunity to ask when we were younger:
What do I think?